Parenting Advice for Gifted Children

I was a gifted child. I had a very high IQ and required special plans in school. My younger brother was also gifted but had different plans than I did. I recently interviewed my mother, who is also an educator, about what she recommends for parents with gifted children. Here is some of her advice.

Let’s begin with parents who have already had their children evaluated. There are several different tests and formulas that can determine giftedness. Merely believing that your child is smarter or more talented than his peers, is not the same. Also, knowing which area your child is gifted in is important. If you don’t know the different areas, then your child hasn’t been accurately labeled.

A doctor specializing in gifted education once asked me something that really stuck with me. “Why do you want this label? What problem are you trying to solve? What will it change?” I know there are parents out there who just want the label to be able to boast. Maybe they want their child treated differently than other students. But unless you feel your child is struggling without this label, there was no reason to pursue it.  In my daughter’s case, she was struggling. She had some behavior issues in school. She often didn’t want to go to school. I knew she was bright and loved to learn, but she had lost the motivation. She needed help. I had her formally evaluated, which then opened various educational options. On the other hand, my son showed signs of being gifted. However, he was happy in school. He was excelling and had friends and played sports. There was no reason to evaluate him further at that time. (However, he was formally labeled in high school which enabled him to take higher level courses that he was interested in.) So, my first bit of advice is for the parents to determine why their child should be evaluated for being gifted and make sure those reasons are in the best interest of the child.

One of the most important things I can recommend is allowing the child to lead. Not all gifted children want to be challenged, and that should be okay. It’s not a waste of their potential. If you push a kid who doesn’t want to be pushed, they can quit altogether. It might be better to offer alternative suggestions now and then and see if they’re interested. If they aren’t, just let them learn on a regular schedule. Gifted children shouldn’t be expected to always break through barriers, be the best of the best, and achieve high levels of success. They aren’t always meant to be doctors, physicists, or lawyers. I was careful to always tell my kids that all I wanted for them in life was to be self-sufficient and happy. I didn’t care that they were gifted enough to become millionaires. I only wanted them to take care of themselves and be happy doing whatever job made them happy.

Both of my kids were overachievers and chose to take college level classes while still enrolled in high school. Yes, my 14-year-olds walked on college campuses, found their classes, and dealt with professors. It was their choice. But unlike many parents, I didn’t feel that it was right to expect them to continue that path. Instead, I felt it was my job to always offer the option of slowing down. Being normal. I didn’t want my kids to regret the course they chose, so I always let them know that if they ever wanted to go back to being a regular high school student, I would talk to whomever I needed to, to make that happen. They weren’t locked into this path. I see many parents pushing and pulling their gifted kids to excel. Those parents aren’t making their gifted children more successful. They’re probably stressing them out, causing anxiety, and causing crippling perfectionism. Those kids will eventually implode. Instead, be the unconditional constant. The one who is always there to help, to change course, to advocate, and to be proud and accepting, no matter what.

Lastly, my advice to other parents of gifted children is to make sure they are well-rounded. It’s great if your child is a math genius who can complete algebraic equations at the age of eight. I’m sure he’ll zip through school and maybe land a well-paying job in the math field. But, what about the rest of his life? What other potentials may have been missed because of the focus on his one special area? What if he was also an incredible singer or even a comedian? I made sure both of my kids had extra-curricular activities. My daughter loved singing and drama. Since she was in college during her high school years, being a part of the high school’s choir and theater kept her in touch with students her age. It was her chance to have fun, be a kid, and explore other strengths of hers. My son was an athlete and excelled at many sports in addition to his academics. He had a great group of friends that occupied much of his time. These activities were crucial to helping my kids have fun, be somewhat normal, release stress, and learn that there is more to them than just brilliant minds.

I can’t say that I did everything right. I trusted my instincts, listened to my kids and the professionals, and took it one step at a time. Every child and situation is unique so no book or website could always tell me the right decisions to make. I had to frequently reevaluate and be willing to make changes. Although, I have two happy, healthy, and successful young adults, so I must have done some things right. But they deserve the credit for where they are in life, not me.

Kyndal Sims

Birch Psychology