When a Household's Roster Changes
Adding a new person to a household or having a person move out is a big deal for everyone involved. No matter what the size of the house, how close the relationships are, and what schedules are like, a change in the family unit’s living situation can be very difficult on all occupants. When a new baby is born, a grandparent moves in, a child is adopted, a high school graduate moves out, an older child moves out, etc., everyone living in the house experiences a change in atmosphere that must be adapted to.
First, it can be very difficult for older children to adapt to having a new baby in the house. Sometimes the other children may become jealous of the amount of time their parents must spend with this new addition, and resent the baby for it. Sometimes they are forced to grow up and take on more personal and household responsibilities to help balance things, which can be a difficult transition if they don’t feel ready. Sometimes they are already struggling with mental health issues such as early anxiety, depression, or attention issues and a new child causes these to get worse or be harder to acknowledge by adults. A couple’s other children rarely get a say in whether their parents have another child, but that decision affects them just as much, and sometimes that “unwanted” addition can make things even worse for them. If a child already feels they are not getting enough help or attention, a new baby exponentially increases those issues and can cause general behavioral issues and targeted negative behaviors towards the parents and baby. If a couple finds that their children are not adapting well to a new baby, of course their only solution is to help assist them and do the best they can to make things easier for them. Making sure that their other children have all of their personal and emotional needs met, still receive one-on-one time with their parents, and are reassured that they are just as loved and important can help with this transition. Having them spend time with the baby and a parent and making sure to emphasize the positives of the new arrival (“mommy now gets to be home with you again for a while!”/ “we’re going to get a bigger house and you get your own big kid room!”) can help them through things as well. Family therapy can be a great idea for families who continue to struggle with transitions such as these, so that psychologists can help plan strategies, identify specific inter-relational issues, and help restore peace in the household.
Second, after a child is old enough to leave the household and chooses to do so, parents may find that they have another set of problems to deal with that can be just as difficult. If siblings grow up close and friendly, losing a sibling can cause great sadness for the one “left behind”. They may feel they are losing their best friend, they may realize that things won’t get to be the same again, and they may become unpleasantly aware that everyone is getting older and moving on- themselves included. They also may now end up receiving more parental attention and household responsibilities, likely to their chagrin, which may cause them to become moodier, angry, and sad. Putting them in individual therapy may be a good idea if these mood issues become uncontrollable, seem to last longer than reasonable, or just to give them someone neutral to discuss these feelings with. Parents should also do their best to make the transition seem positive (“well at least you get your own room and bathroom again!”/ “we can afford to go out to dinner more often now!”) and console their children and let them know they understand. Everybody in the house likely misses the person leaving, and allowing everyone to share this can really help. Family therapy sessions could also benefit everyone.
Finally, having an extended family member join the household brings a unique set of challenges and benefits to the home for everyone. If grandma ends up needing to move in to the spare bedroom for an indefinite period of time, parents may find a strain in their marriage if the parent/in-law is not the easiest person to be around or interferes with set boundaries. For younger kids, having another family member staying can mean another person giving them attention and playing with them, or it can mean having another disciplinarian to avoid. There is bound to be tension no matter how close or loving the relationship between the new member and the existing family unit is, and it is important to try and ease that as much as possible and make sure everyone involved is happy. Trying out a “probationary period” to see if the situation works is a great idea, rather than committing to a potentially permanent situation. Providing all family members living in the house with ample warning, and a choice in the matter if possible, to prepare themselves is also beneficial so nobody feels blindsided. Perhaps addressing the possibility of the change in a couple’s counseling session for the parents, especially if the family member has caused marital tensions in the past, is a great idea so that both partners feel that they are going into the new situation with set boundaries and a game plan.
Our house is where we spend the majority of our time. It is our safe haven and houses the people we love and cherish the most. Any change to that can be difficult to adapt to, and we may be really uneasy at first, but nothing stays the same forever and we all have to learn to adapt sooner or later to things we may not initially enjoy. The parents in charge of the household hold the greatest responsibility for ensuring their children are able to handle new changes, and with the help of trained family psychologists they can ensure that everyone feels considered, loved, and cared for- including themselves.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://www.metroparent.com/parenting/advice/helping-kids-cope-when-a-sibling-moves-out-of-the-home/
https://www.parentmap.com/article/how-family-life-changed-when-my-mother-moved