Let's Become Kinder!
There is nobody on Earth who gets to be exempt from being kind or who couldn’t stand to be a bit kinder. We tend to prioritize ourselves and our own feelings, but we live in a world surrounded by other people who have just as many feelings as we do, and we are obligated to care for theirs as well. Empathy for everyone, from strangers to our spouses, is crucial, and we should be kind to everybody regardless. And yes, sometimes we may feel that we are being the kindest we can possibly be and yet receive nothing but rudeness and negativity in return, throwing our hope of karma out the window. As hard as it is, continuing to be kind pays off far more for us in the long run, benefitting many aspects of our lives.
When we choose kindness, as hard as it can be sometimes at first when we are having bad days or have been slighted recently ourselves, immediately after the interaction is over we experience a natural boost of endorphins and an increase in positive self-image for ourselves as we acknowledge that we did something good. Donating a small amount of money to a cause that makes us happy, complimenting a stranger’s hair and seeing their smile, or being calm and patient about an incorrect order at a restaurant are ways that our kindness for others can improve ourselves in turn, causing us to have better days and spreading that positivity boost elsewhere.
When you say or do something first that hurts another person unintentionally, the kind thing to do of course is to apologize as soon as possible. Your humility in the situation can go quite a long way, rather than you having to reflect on whether you did wrong and then offering a formal apology later after the hurt has settled in. Offering an explanation behind your behavior if applicable rather than an excuse can help the person forgive you and move on more quickly as well, causing them to have less lingering hurt feelings. If the hurt was larger, come up with a way to make it up to the person without being bothersome or pushy to mend the relationship quicker. Sometimes when we hurt others our brain gives us the option of self-justification, where we convince ourselves we did nothing wrong or that the other person is unworthy of an apology so that we do not have to feel bad about our actions. This mechanism is not healthy, and we must fight it even when apologizing is uncomfortable. That is the kind option for ourselves and others, as we relieve the hurt others are feeling while reminding our brains we have the power to make our own good decisions.
When someone else begins by saying or doing something that hurts your own feelings, you have even more say in how the matter is resolved. You can respond typically in one of three ways. First, you can say or do something offensive back in a moment of anger adrenaline to appease your inner need for revenge, putting the ball back into their court in a negative way and only causing further issues and irreparable damage. Second, you can entirely ignore the slight and continue on with your day, which will only hurt you in the long run as your self esteem degrades, you allow the person to continue saying and doing negative things to people possibly without their knowledge, and you allow the lingering hurt and anger to build up until you cannot control it in a healthy manner anymore. Third, you have the kind option- kind for both yourself and the other party involved. Take your time if you need, or immediately start a conversation, and tell the other party that they hurt your feelings and why. “I felt ___ when ___ was said/done”. Try not to overuse the word you, or the person can get defensive, and come up with the exact cause of the problem rather than being vague or even bringing other instances into the mix. The person will most likely apologize, as humans generally don’t enjoy hurting one another, and you likely won’t see that issue arise again. You will also get to feel better, as you prevent further issues for yourself, you’ve taught somebody something, and you receive the apology you need to forgive and move on rather than holding a grudge in anger or ruminating.
As for how to just be a kinder person in everyday life, there are so many little ways you can think of to do so that we typically don’t allow ourselves to do. Let that car in that’s been stuck waiting in traffic for a little while, to make their trip and day a little less awful. It will barely inconvenience you, but will allow you both to feel better about the people in the world. Surprise your spouse by doing one of their assigned chores when you have extra time and not pointing it out, just to make their lives a little bit easier and to make yourself feel better about you as a spouse. If you’re at an acquaintance’s house and they begin spouting off about political agendas that you disagree with, leave the room instead of creating an argument that would cause sadness or anger for the whole party. Send a Starbucks gift card to a friend’s house when they’re going through a hard time. Send a photo of your dog or baby to a relative to remind them you love them. Let a person with fewer groceries go ahead of you at the store, give a pregnant woman your seat, hold the door for a person with a wheelchair, say hello when you pass a neighbor on the street, etc. There are so many small acts of kindness that we can do that cost minimal time and money that can turn someone else’s day around and boost our self esteem easily. The next time you see a choice to be selfish and get angry or just be kind, take the kind route no matter the mood you are in, and you will see a huge improvement in your own mood and life and in the world overtime.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://www.purewow.com/wellness/ways-to-be-kinder
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understand-other-people/201612/5-steps-being-kinder-person
https://www.quietrev.com/6-science-backed-ways-being-kind-is-good-for-your-health/