When Your Child Requires Something "Different"

As a mother and a retired elementary school teacher, I can vouch that every child is unique and has certain needs. I loved analyzing my students every year and discovering their strengths and weaknesses.  My classes would vary from above-average learners to those with substantial special needs. My goal was to show a year’s growth, or more, no matter from which point the child started.

There are many books, programs, and services for children with special needs.  The term special needs usually applies to those with physical, mental, and developmental disabilities and illnesses. The children who are not usually considered to be special needs are those with above-average intelligence.  Sometimes they are labeled as Gifted and Talented, but they fall under the same Special Education umbrella. However, options for assistance are often limited and deemed unnecessary. 

This was a struggle I faced as a mother.  I knew when my daughter was merely two months old that she was not typical.  She already craved stimulation and napping was not required. I eventually discovered that her crying in the evening was not colic, but from overstimulation.  There seemed to be a fine line between stimulation and overstimulation. This was before the Internet, so I checked out as many library books as possible to try to learn how to give my daughter what she needed. But not one book satisfied all of my questions and concerns. At six months old, she was enrolled in classes every day of the week for infants and toddlers, from gymnastics to swimming to mommy-and-me groups. She had to be busy.  She wasn’t hyperactive, but was hyper-alert.  She grew fussy and irritated if she didn’t have something entertaining her or teaching her.

At the age of two, while playing in the bathtub and singing her ABC’s, she absentmindedly began saying the alphabet…backwards. Perfectly. I already knew her vocabulary was large for her age, but this? A few months later I gave her a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle. She paid attention to that puzzle for about an hour, which is a long attention span for that age, but she worked at it until it was completed.  Afterwards, I took the puzzle pieces apart and mixed them up into a big pile.  One-by-one she picked up each piece and laid it down on the table where it belonged.  No adjusting, turning, or switching pieces.  She had memorized where each piece was supposed to go.

I knew this was a form of a special needs child, but on the opposite end of what was the norm.  No handbook existed to raise a child like this. No other mothers could offer advice.  Once she was in school, even professional educators were thrown for a loop. We had to try different ideas until we figured out what she needed.  My daughter was growing impatient with her peers and dreaded going to school.  She was bored and could act out in mischievous ways. Although she was considered too young for an IQ test, they did one anyway.  She had a genius level IQ in every single intellectual area. Not every gifted child requires intervention, but she was showing that she needed something special.

In a condensed version: She began kindergarten a year early.  She skipped the second grade.  She began middle school at the age of ten and, although enrolled as a regular student, she completed all coursework for grades 6-8 through independent study and all in one year. Thus, she began high school at the age of 11.  She was immediately bored and on her own, petitioned the school administration and board to allow her to begin college.  The school already allowed high school juniors and seniors, ages 17 and 18, to be concurrently enrolled in both high school and college, which meant they took college level courses to complete their high school credits. This is what my daughter begged them to allow her to do at the age of twelve.  After many meetings in which she demonstrated rare maturity and determination, they fully supported her.

She graduated from both high school and college, with a Bachelor of Science degree, at the same time and at the age of 16. With a 4.0 GPA.

I can empathize with other parents of special needs children, no matter which end of the scale they are on.  Every child is unique.  We often question every decision we are asked to make. What is best for my child? How can she get what she needs? Should I allow her to take this step? Is this too much for her? How do I make sure she’s happy? Will she regret the path she’s taking? How do I balance between what she wants and what is safe for her? 

I was going through this blindly.  Everyone I talked to congratulated me on what an incredible daughter I had, but nobody could give me “been there, done that” advice. And besides questioning her educational path, I questioned my parenting path. How do I keep her safe on a college campus full of adults of all ages? Does she know how to advocate for herself? How do I feel about her friends being several years older than she is? Do I allow her social media access even if I feel she is too young?  If I maintain the rule of not dating until she is 16, she will miss out on dating through her high school experience. Do I allow my 13-year old to go to prom with friends? How do I handle the adult information she is going to be hearing? Is she going to regret these choices someday and blame me for allowing her to do it this way?

So what answers do I have for other mothers who might be in similar situations? None, really.  I don’t know that I handled it right.  I just did the best I could.  I made each decision as it came, knowing all choices had positive and negative consequences. 

I only maintained one stipulation throughout those years. It was always up to her. She was driving the train.  I was merely a passenger.  Sometimes I felt like she was driving a rollercoaster and I was on a wild ride, desperately clinging onto the last compartment with all my strength.  But I would always be on the ride with her.  And if at any point, at any time, she wanted to stop the ride and get off, she could count on me to make it happen.

Unlike the “tiger parenting” method, I veered the opposite way.  Never once did I force her or pressure her.  My role was to keep her balanced, stable, and grounded. My job, as it still is as an adult, was to ask her the questions that will lead to her making the right decisions for herself. I always kept the door open for her to slow down or even change paths, should she choose to do so. I frequently reminded her that straight A’s, especially in college, was not expected and that B’s were perfectly acceptable. I made sure she participated with the high school’s show choir and theater group so that she had some fun and some friends. I used my best judgment when it came to decisions about social media and school events. Meaning, I had to allow her to do some things at a younger age than normal, but I monitored her closely.  At the same time, in order not to helicopter, I had to release her earlier than other parents were doing so. We did not bend on the dating rule, but fortunately her best friend was a male we trusted, so she still experienced high school dances and fun.

Now that she is grown and on her own, I can say that everything worked itself out.  Being under or over stimulated now manifests itself as anxiety, but similar to what I did when she was younger, she is learning how to manage her schedule, thoughts, and emotions in order to keep it at a minimum. She decided on her own to take a couple of years off to work, mature, and experience life. She did some traveling, soul-searching, and decision-making. She is completely self-sufficient and thriving as an adult. She will complete her Master’s degree at the age of 20. Does she have some regrets? Maybe a few, but not enough to cause wanting a do-over.  Does she blame me for how I parented her? She says no.  I believe that because we stayed open, honest, and flexible, she knows in her heart that I did the best I could, despite her not being born with instructions.

Special needs.  To some extent, every parent has a child with special needs.  Every parent has to make decisions on what is best for their child. Every parent has to find the path meant for his or her child and lead the way until it’s instead, time to follow. At which point, we hold our breath, grip tightly to the cart, and enjoy the wild ride.

Written by Janelle Sims. Used with permission.