Feelings of Shame, Embarrassment, and Regret
We've all felt it- the churning feeling of sickness in our stomachs when we have done something that we are shameful about. When I was a child, every time I would lie, I would experience the feeling so strongly that within the hour I was confessing to my parents just to get rid of it!
Similarly, whenever I’d miss a note in choir, find food stuck to my clothes in a bad spot, say the wrong thing, or find out I had done something bad- I would experience a very strong feeling of embarrassment that would affect me the same way. I would think about that moment or occurrence for hours afterward and feel terrible- unable to block it from my mind.
As an adult, we sometimes will still get these uncomfortable feelings that we cannot control in different situations we find ourselves in. These feelings are our bodies’ ways of expressing very strong emotions when we cannot handle them any other way.
People tend to get more “emotional” when they are tired, stressed, busy, or simply when their emotional cup is full. We may be perfectly able to cope with and handle a bad situation if it happens during a relatively good and easy part of our lives, while similarly we may find ourselves lashing out hysterically over Taco Bell putting sour cream on our burritos when we’re already too overloaded with burdens. Emotions can affect us different ways at different times and really influence our feelings, actions, and even physical health.
Children especially can tend to express their feelings in physical ways before their minds are able to better process the constant tumultuous emotions they experience. Babies cry at every “bad” emotion- fear, anxiety, hunger, thirst, exhaustion, anger, pain, etc. Children will sometimes cry in these same emotions if they are not able to use their words to express these feelings, as it is in their nature to do so. Parents teach their children how to speak about their feelings and resolve their conflicts, but if a child is tired or hungry especially, they do not have the energy left to do so.
As adults, typically only when we are extremely overstimulated or over affected do we find ourselves crying to express these things- as we have developed many other coping mechanisms that work better. We know that when we are sad or angry, we can talk with a friend or family member to feel a bit better. When we are hungry or thirsty, we can get ourselves food and drink. We can take Tylenol for our pain and setup therapy appointments to relieve our feelings of mental distress. We have the tools to solve most of our own problems as soon as we realize what the issue is.
Children often do not have that same luxury. I think about how often I spent as a child crying or feeling other bad feelings because I did not have the tools to fix my problems or the knowledge to verbally express them so that adults could assist me. Your child may need you to check in with them regularly about their feelings and experiences to prevent them from becoming overburdened and then possibly unruly. I’ve learned that my baby cries only when one of her needs isn’t being met- and as soon as I figure out what that need is and meet it, she rewards me with calmness and smiles. If your child is acting out of character or is getting into trouble, sometimes the most effective way to handle it is simply through talking and strategy building.
We find uncomfortable emotions really inconvenient and unwelcome as adults, and our children can be affected tenfold. A child who is shy around other children may be feeling anxiety or embarrassment from unsureness around social interactions. A child who often has an upset stomach, is sad or withdrawn, or seems to be behaving out of the norm may be experiencing feelings of shame or fear and should be met with to determine the cause. An angry child could very well be a misunderstood child who just needs a little bit of reassurance and help. When these feelings are left to linger, they multiply and manifest in a variety of different ways until they are treated.
Child psychologists are great at being able to talk with your children about their emotions in a way that they can understand and benefit from if they are having trouble expressing them to you. Parent coaching can also help you learn how to work with your children and develop strategies to calm them down in moments of distress and get them to open up in moments of quiet. Therapy of all kinds- individual therapy, play therapy, family therapy, parent therapy, etc- is a great tool that can be introduced for a short period of time to allow an expert to correct and show helpful ways to manage different things so that everyone in the family can learn how to manage their emotional cups and work together to solve problems. Feel free to reach out to our team for a consultation on how to help yourself or your child, and follow us for more tips on how to better your mental health!
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology