Life Postpartum
Everyone does their best to prepare you for when you have your first child, but I promise that no one can ever do a good enough job of it. Before I had my first child, I thought I was prepared for the worst and prepared for anything at all based on the amount of unsolicited advice I had received over the years. I was told I would never sleep again. I was told that I may be quicker to anger, overstressed, and under helped. I was told I would never again have time for myself or anything else and that everything would be difficult. Few people ever thought to prepare me for all of the wonderful things that having a child would do for me in my life.
Psychologically, having a child is one of the most life altering things a person can go through. It truly changes everything, whether you are birthing a child, supporting the person birthing a child, you adopt, your foster, you conceive through surrogacy, or you gain stepchildren. I used to be able to relax after a long day at work and take time to myself. I could focus on my mental health by taking a yoga class, attending regular therapy, and doing daily exercises. I used to be able to get in the car and go wherever I wanted for however long. I only ever had to care for myself. Now even when I am sick and tired and busy with work, I have someone who needs me 24/7, and no matter my feelings on the matter, I have to take care of her with all that I can. While she gives me smiles occasionally to let me know that she loves me, she can't exactly offer appreciation or thanks either, and it is easy to turn to negative self thoughts regarding worth.
Doctors offices screen for postpartum depression and anxiety every time I go in for myself or for her, but no matter what I put down nothing ever seems to happen. What would they recommend anyways? While up to one and two women may experience symptoms of postpartum mood issues, very few seek help. Maybe it's that we feel we don't have time to work on fixing ourselves when everything else is already in shambles, maybe we don't have the monetary resources, or maybe we feel that in some way it means that we are less capable as parents if we admit we need help.
I think we all know this but rarely allow ourselves to keep it true, but you cannot pour from an empty bucket. Parents must take care of themselves to better take care of their children. Often, that starts with focusing on our mental health, which often means counseling. Doing a couple of sessions of parenting therapy prior to having a child could work wonders on preparation for the big change. Doing some couples counseling to ensure that a plan is in motion would be beneficial as well. Then, after the child is born, doing a few more sessions to make sure things are on track and there are no issues that need to be worked on could save a lot of stress and concern later on. Individual sessions for a mother after she has given birth would be great as she battles hormones on top of everything else. Making sure she has a support system in place for that prior to giving birth so that she does not get overwhelmed and scared to ask for help when she needs it.
After a person gives birth, they are able to experience issues related to postpartum depression or anxiety for up to a year after! Their partners can actually get it too. It is important for a parent to care for themselves mentally so that they do not take things out on their child unintentionally. It’s the little things, like making sure to take a few minutes a day of quiet and peace, even if it’s in the shower. Making sure to sleep during the night whenever possible, even if it means leaving the house a mess. Making sure to set limits and boundaries at work so that stress does not interfere with the more important things of life. Making sure to continue doing the things that make us happy and healthy, even if it means adapting and brining along a baby (I hike with my baby strapped to me!).
Finally, it means considering therapy in whatever form necessary to make sure that you remain mentally stable and well. Even if a parent does not meet the qualifications for a postpartum mental health disorder, they likely could benefit from some professional help. It's always nice to have someone to talk with, to help create strategies with, and to be there for support who is trained and knows what they are doing. We have many such capable counselors here at Birch who can offer assistance in all of these areas and more. Couples therapy, family therapy, individual therapy, and parenting consulting are all great options to consider that we provide assistance with. Sometimes getting to go to a therapy appointment can be a great way to get out of the house and away from a baby to decompress for a bit. Other times, we are available via videoconferencing for therapy if you need help but lack the time or capability to come in person. At the end of the day, make sure to think about yourself so that you can be the best parent possible for your child. And know that it isn't always this hard, and before you know it you'll be wishing it was.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology