Seeking a Job Title as a Stay-at-Home-Mom

I’m struggling. I’m struggling with identifying my purpose, my role, my identity at this stage of my life. I suppose I am at mid-life-crisis age, but that’s not what this feels like. Becoming a purple-haired, bungee-jumping, motorcycle mama isn’t what I need. I am seeking a title.

I used to proudly proclaim to be a wife, a mother, and a teacher. I am still a wife. Technically, I am still a mother, but my children are grown and mostly independent. But I desire to have a title that brings a sense of accomplishment. A response to the question, “So, what do you do?”

I battle a chronic disease that renders me “Disabled” and unable to work outside the home. I’m not ashamed of this, but I don’t want that to be all there is to me, nor the topic always discussed.

Due to this illness, I had to retire from being an elementary school teacher.  A career I loved.  When I was teaching, I could go on and on about my title of “Teacher”. However, it is obvious that I did not reach normal retirement age before gaining the “Retired Teacher” title. I sometimes feel awkward using that phrase as an answer to what I do in life.

After twenty years in the business, I could say, “I am a retired stay-at-home mom.”  Is that even a thing? Do I get a plaque? 

I could say that I am now a “Stay-at-Home Wife,” but that seems underwhelming. I am also an overachieving “Dog-mom”, but that, too, is a bit unimpressive. Yes, I would qualify as an “Empty Nester,” but that only explains that I have grown children, not what I do with my time now.

What job title can I give myself in this stage of my life? Something that encompasses my skills, education, and natural abilities. A title that gives me self-worth. A short phrase that piques interest, starts a conversation, and promotes pride.

I literally googled everything I could think of to discover a word, a classification, that would explain who and what I am in this stage of life.  I excitedly read other articles on this subject, anxious to get to the end and discover this “word” I was looking for, only to find the author aboard the same boat I was in. No answers.  No magic word. There’s an acronym called NEET, which stands for Not Employed, in Education or Training.  However, it refers more to a younger crowd and has somewhat of a negative connotation.  Besides, someone might get confused if I answered the question, “So, what do you do?” with “I’m NEET!”

I began my quest by asking my husband, “What do you call someone who stays home and doesn’t have a job?”

He answered, “Unemployed.”  This was true, but not the word I was hoping for.

I was needing more.  Something real.  What do you call an over-the-hill woman who spent her life raising kids and working as a teacher but now finds herself at home?

Why isn’t there a word to describe this?  Think about all of those people who would use that word as a goal.  There would be parties to celebrate earning this title.  Business could make money by designing cards, banners, t-shirts, and knick-knacks.  

“So, what do you do?”

“I’m a ______!” A word that would describe this stage of life but also bring a sense of pride. A word that would also encompass all of the duties for which I am responsible.  A description of how I spend my time in a productive way. Something that shows that I am still busy and relied upon.

After days of journaling and soul-searching on this topic, I went back to my husband.

Poor guy. There he was, sitting on the patio, enjoying nature, and I plopped down in front of him with deep, what’s-my-purpose-in-life questions. 

I blurt, “How do people find comfort with having the title of ‘Retired’ or ‘Empty Nester?’ Don’t they want more than that? And I’m not suggesting they find a later-in-life career.  I don’t want that either. I just want to know why there aren’t other words to choose from that signify still being active, productive, and worthwhile.”

My husband, who happens to be a counselor, responded with, “People have to find comfort that they are more than their jobs. Stating what they once did is merely a conversation starter. A way for a stranger to quickly understand their background. But there is more to them than just an occupation.”

This clicked with me. I am more than an occupation. I am more than a disabled, retired, empty-nesting, stay-at-home wife. I am more than one word.  I am actually several words. I am a friend, a sister, and a daughter. I am the personal servant to an overly spoiled Shih Tzu. Sometimes, I am a writer.

It was starting to make sense to me why I couldn’t find one English word to title me. This stirred up my creativity and I began to have a little fun.

I could obviously use words to describe my daily tasks. “Janitor,” “Cook,” and “Laundress”. I’m a “Caregiver.” I shop for our essentials. How does the title of “Forager” sound? 

I could be sweet and call myself a “Smile Maker.”  I could be sassy and call myself the “Queen of my Castle.”

The Internet is already flooded with other retired domestic engineers working as “Influencers,” but I influence my family so maybe that title still counts.

I have thought to sometimes use these phrases to answer the question of, “So, what do you do?”: 

It depends on the day. 

I’m a Jill of all trades.

That’s to be determined.

I’m a work in progress.

Depending on the situation, I had fun creating another job title I could use.

“So, what do you do?”

“Oh me? I’m the only employee at a temp agency.”

When I’m given a quizzical look, I will explain, “This means that I am flexible to fulfill any job or duty requested of me upon any given day.  It’s exciting.  I never know what each day will bring.  I can be a taxi driver, accountant, event planner, personal chef, nurse, receptionist, counselor, designer, travel agent, social media manager, fitness trainer, and scheduler.”

Once I stopped searching for one word to encompass all about me, the pressure dissipated. I have many titles and there’s more to me than a career title. 

Maybe a word will be created someday that will describe an over-the-hill yet vibrant, active lady who loves her family and friends, has many responsibilities and talents, and who deserves to be admired. But until then, I will work on finding peace with who I am at this stage of life, regardless of what it’s called.

Originally written by Janelle Sims. Used with permission.