What Does a Stay-At-Home-Parent Do All Day?

“Honey, did you have a hard day?” my husband asked shortly after coming through the door after work. I followed his gaze. The house was in disarray. He saw the dishes in the sink, the clean laundry pile waiting on the couch, and various items scattered around, waiting to be put back where they belong. Much like it had been before he left that morning. Basically, a messy house.

I am a people-pleaser and an overachiever. This reaction raised feelings of shame and defeat. Now, my husband didn’t mean to make me feel this way. He is not a difficult man with too high of expectations. I know what he’s thinking though. “What in the world does she do all day?!” He leaves early every morning, works at his office all day, and returns home in time for dinner.

At this stage in my life, I find myself to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I have been employed outside of the home, but to be honest, it didn’t change my current circumstance. I am a homemaker.  I am the cleaner, cook, laundress, organizer, shopper, and caregiver, regardless if I was employed elsewhere.

I felt the need to explain, to defend myself. “No, I actually had a very productive day,” I began. As he walked away, I listed the various chores I had completed, but I knew my defense was falling on deaf ears. And when I looked around, I understood why.

As many moms know, our job is never done. Sure, that empty laundry basket is a pleasing sight. Then, I look up and notice everyone is wearing clothes, which means the bottom of the basket will be covered again very soon. Yes, I have actually researched nudist colonies just as an option to consider. It never fails that as soon as I press “Start” on the dishwasher, someone will have found a glass, plate, and spoon that is now stacked in the sink. I go to the grocery store twice a week. I could swear there was plenty of milk left in the fridge when I left, but I return to an empty carton sitting on the counter.

So when I surveyed the living room through his eyes, I could see the cause of his frustration. Were there dishes in the sink?  Yes, but different dishes than those from yesterday. The laundry waiting to be folded? A different pile that had been washed and dried that day. The shoes, dog toys, and schoolbooks scattered about? Again, different items in different places than that morning, but it all looked the same.

He also couldn’t see that I had given the dog a bath and had washed and replaced all of her bedding. He didn’t know that I had deposited checks in the bank and ordered our prescriptions. Two loads of laundry had been washed, dried, folded, and put away. He wasn’t aware the dog had had an accident in the laundry room that required scrubbing on hands and knees. He could probably smell dinner waiting on the stove, but all that was seen were the dirty pans that would need to be washed.

Again, he never complained. He never would have come home and said, “This place looks like crap! What have you done all day?!” No, no. I am far more critical of myself than he was of me. However, never feeling successful, began to weigh on me. How could I change this?

Well, if I could stand in his shoes and see what he saw, then maybe he could do the same? My wheels began to turn.  That was it!

After he was fed and relaxed, (the only time to begin a problem-solving discussion with a spouse) I said, “I know how easy it is to look around and see everything that needs to be done. I see it, too.  Is there any chance you could look around and notice what has been done, instead of what hasn’t been done?”

Totally mind-changing behavior request here, I know.

I continued, “How about when you come home from work, look around the house and see if you can guess what tasks I completed that day.” On some days, that would be a needle-in-the-haystack game, but…he was willing to try that approach.

This wasn’t going to be easy.  We naturally notice what is wrong.  What is missing.  What doesn’t belong.  I was asking him to notice something good.  Something right.

I offered to give him some time.  He went to change out of his work clothes.  I waited patiently in the other room. When he came back in to see what was for dinner, I excitedly asked, “Did you notice?!”

“Notice what?” he asked.

“Oh my gosh!  Did you not noticed that I cleared off and cleaned the bathroom sink?! And I hung up all of your shirts, including the one you are wearing. And I refilled your soap bottle. And I even laundered the bath rugs!” There was much more, but these are things he should have noticed.

He replied, “Oh, you did? Let me go look again.”  From a distance I heard, “Oh, you did!! Wow, it looks so much better in here.  Come to think of it, I do remember getting this shirt off of the hanger without noticing how it had gotten there.  Okay, Baby.  I see.  Good work!”

And thus, our new game of “Can you see what’s done?” began. It was a total change in thinking.  Glass half full, instead of half empty.  What is right, instead of what is wrong. He is better at being able to tell when the living room was dusted, the floors were mopped, and the toilet clean; despite the misplaced items scattered about the house and the piles of laundry hiding the couch.

So, husbands who come home to a wife and toddler and a house that looks turned upside down and shaken? Notice that your child is bathed, changed, and fed. Notice the toys that have been engaged in mommy toddler play. Notice that maybe even your wife is bathed, changed, and fed. This is a huge undertaking, not to be minimized. 

When husbands and wives have teenagers, continue the evening game. Is dinner ready? Are the kids home and functioning? Were groceries bought and put away? Maybe the carpet shows vacuum marks. Maybe the bathroom smells like bleach.  Notice these things.  Comment on these things. I promise that most homemakers are not binge-watching dramas while perfecting their permanent butt-imprint on the sofa.

If you’re smart, you will look for all the chores that were completed and commend her in utter awe with all she was able to do in one measly day. You won’t have to ask, “What did she do all day?!” You’ll think, “How does she do all this in one day?!”

Originally written by Janelle Sims. Used with permission.