Overthinking and Self Esteem
If you’re like me, you tend to spend a lot of time thinking about past, current, future, or hypothetical situations whenever you’re anxious, trying to sleep, or trying to sort through something. You think about a past event from three years ago where you said something awkward and feel embarrassment that you couldn’t or can’t “fix” that situation. You think about the worst case-scenario of an event that you have been worrying about that takes place tomorrow, psyching yourself out and dwelling on what you can’t control. You allow yourself to repeatedly go over what a person has said to you while out with friends, causing you to think the person is meaning more than they say in a negative light. All of these things cause us to lose some of our self-esteem, which is the way we feel about and see ourselves.
We may view ourselves as awkward, unsuccessful, made fun of, prone to bad things, embarrassing, clumsy, or socially inept. These things are likely untrue, but we have the ability to convince ourselves otherwise through unnecessary overthinking. Our first mistake that we make when evaluating ourselves is thinking about our past mistakes incorrectly. We all make mistakes, as we can never tell exactly what the correct or true response or answer is in a situation. When we make these mistakes, we usually feel disappointed in ourselves, usually embarrassed, and sometimes we are unable to let these things go quickly like we should. Just as we don’t easily recall every embarrassing thing a stranger or acquaintance has done- they don’t have the ability to do the same for us- meaning the majority of our “mistakes” go unnoticed or are forgotten by the end of the day, and we are the only ones beating ourselves up over them. The best and only way to use mistakes from our past in a healthy way is to think about what we learned or need to learn from them, do so, and then forgive ourselves and forget. We should only reflect on what we can change in ourselves or circumstances, not regret things that cannot be fixed or undone because that is simply wasting our time and mental energy. If we allow ourselves to be consumed by the things we did wrong, we will never see ourselves for all of the many things we do right, and we won’t be able to improve.
The second mistake we make when overthinking is worrying about all of the things we can’t control. We may worry about losing a family member at any given time, something possible yet highly unlikely, that we would have absolutely no control over but worries us regardless. We may be anxious about an upcoming job interview, running through every way things could go right or wrong, even though we likely have no idea what we are walking into and we’re already as prepared as we possibly can be. Imagining all of the ways we could fail or think we are likely to fail causes us to think poorly of ourselves and will mostly likely cause a self-fulfilling prophecy where we do fail- because we go into the feared situation without confidence and trust in ourselves and have given up before we have started. There is also a different between planning ahead and worrying unnecessarily, and some of us cross that line without thinking clearly. Taking last year’s toilet paper crisis for example, planning ahead would be grabbing two packs of toilet paper when you see it at the store so you have enough to last a couple of months without concern after hearing the news. Unnecessary worrying may cause you to travel store to store in search of toilet paper, buying several year’s worth of supplies and becoming concerned or agitated when unable to do so. Choosing to allow yourself to let minor things go, and planning to the best of your ability but not overextending yourself in non urgent situations can save yourself from feeling unready and thus lowering your self-esteem- as you no longer feel anxious and incompetent.
Finally, allowing ourselves to hold grudges or judgments against others lowers our own self-esteem, as we end up ruining our relationships, our support networks, or our opportunities through our needless overthinking or the inability to forgive. We should cut out relationships in our lives that do nothing but cause us grief and harm as soon as we realize the situation is unfixable. We should also allow our judgments to keep us cautious about certain people or situations before we have ample information. However, it is healthier for us to choose to mend problems as best we can for the sake of everyone involved and ensure that our negative judgments are fair and not prejudicial, or we are only hurting ourselves long term. Many of the people we dislike in our life are unavoidable- such as an in-law, a coworker, or a neighbor. Holding grudges against these people only serves to heighten our own anxiety about a situation we can’t control, and causes our self-esteem to lower as we end up sabotaging positive relationships or situations in the process of revenge or resentment. By choosing to ignore the minor grievances and focus on ourselves, we may find the person isn’t as big of an issue as we originally thought, and we can spend more energy working on ourselves and our own happiness.
Obviously, we think in order to select the best action. Thinking is our superpower. But there is always such as thing as thinking too much or manipulating our thoughts in a negative matter to harm our opinions of ourselves or others, and we need to maintain a healthy balance. Allow yourself to go over the things that happened during the day that bothered you a couple of hours before bedtime. Write them down, and then write down what you can do, if anything, to relieve that worry/ embarrassment/ anger. The next day, make a conscious effort to avoid thinking about any of those things, follow your plan, and enjoy the fresh new day. Over time, these lists of concerns should become smaller and smaller as you notice them less and create less for yourself- increasing your self esteem and allowing you to enjoy more peace. Speak with a therapist about ways you can manage your thoughts if they are overwhelming and debilitating for you, because having a neutral third-party help us through things can make all of the difference. Nobody thinks about you as much as you do, so give yourself a break and just trust that you and everything else will be okay, and you’ll likely find that it will be.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://nickwignall.com/4-mental-habits-that-cause-low-self-esteem/?ck_subscriber_id=910345718
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-know-when-youre-overthinking-5077069