Consciously Engaging with your Partner
Once you’re married, have kids, have careers, and have “adult” lives, what you spend your time doing can be very routine and structured in order to accomplish all responsibilities and still maintain sanity. You may exercise in the mornings before work, work Monday through Friday 8-5, take care of the household errands and chores on Saturdays and evenings, and enjoy some family and personal time on Sundays. One thing that you should make sure to add to your regular schedule that you may find makes this better is structured couple time.
It has often been advised that in order to maintain a healthy marriage you should follow these steps. First, you need to have one date night out per week- a couple of hours without kids, phones, or work responsibilities spending quality time together doing something. Second, you need to have one fancier date per month where you do something for an entire day together, something exciting. Third, you need to have one weekend away every three months, where you can just stay in a hotel in a city an hour away and relax together. Fourth, you need to have one vacation together per year- a true vacation- where you leave your state or country, spend an entire week away from everyone and everything else, splurge, and engage in activities that you enjoy together. If you can stick to this schedule as much as possible, your relationship will be able to take care of and heal itself naturally. You will find a stronger connection between you two, saving yourself from petty arguments and feeling withdrawn. Back before children, living together, and more stressful careers, this was likely how you two did things- weekly dates, special occasion events, small hotel stays here and there, and likely an abundance of vacations as you got to know each other. Your relationship grows when you put regular intervals of quality away time into your schedule, which can benefit you in every other area you may have problems in. Being in a happy relationship boosts your mood and productivity, and can allow the stresses of everyday life to seem not so bad.
What about during the week? As you most likely live with your spouse, you probably sleep together every night and see each other in the evenings and for a bit on weekends. You may be lucky enough to get to enjoy family dinners during the week, watch a show on the couch here or there, and maybe get to talk before falling asleep. You probably each have your own hobbies and personal activities that you enjoy separately, which is perfectly healthy. What if you were to try engaging in a hobby together in order to increase the amount of time you have together? If you both love board games, perhaps find a strategy board game that you two can work on together for a little bit each night or a couple of times per week. Maybe take a cooking class together so you can learn and enjoy time together at the same time! Maybe decide to invest a few months into some yard work together and work on little projects for it when time allows. It can be easy to just grab dinner together when you want some couple time or watch a movie at night side by side, but having a project or activity of some sort that you are learning, working on, and enjoying together can enrich your schedule further. It can even be doing chores together, provided they are not dreaded ones, such as painting each room of the house a little at a time together or planting a garden. Maybe go back and forth picking which hobby or activity you two will do together next, each one of you selecting something you personally enjoy that you think the other could benefit from, and see how your personal hobby time can become so much more fun by enjoying it with the person you love.
Finally, even small moments of quality time with your partner should be cherished and get to happen as often as possible. Make sure to kiss your spouse whenever you see them or as they are leaving and tell them you love them. Text them once or twice during the day with a funny thought or just to check in so they are reminded that you care and love them. If you’re having to spend a greater amount of time away than usual, call them during your drive to catch up and check in so that they still feel like they are a priority, and plan something for when you have the time again.
Time is one of the greatest gifts we can give to someone, even as it is our most precious resource. We all have the same amount of hours in a week, and most of us stretch these as thin as we can to survive in this exceedingly busy world. Spending quality time with a spouse is the foundation of a happy life, house, and family, so it is important to fix this if this is an area your life currently lacks. Perhaps turn to a therapist for advice on how to better spend time together and integrate your lives if you find it difficult. Your spouse should be your best friend, and spending time with them should be the happiest and most rewarding time we get to spend.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://www.foryourmarriage.org/blogs/why-date-nights-matter/