Blended Families
The concept of a “nuclear family” is fading out of the norm as it is replaced by other more “flexible” family types, and blended families are the most common of these. Blended families involve parents, children, stepparents, and stepchildren living together and becoming families. Sometimes this involves a lot of conflict, as it is often portrayed in movies, where the children and stepparents are unable to get along and are unhappy with the situation. However, more often than not these situations are positive for the children and allow them to be cared for and loved by “bonus parents” and ”bonus siblings”. The key difference between these two outcomes is how well the parents prepare the children for the transition and the steps they take to ensure their happiness and comfort. The well-discussed statistic is that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many of these involve children. When these people remarry they create blended families and we’ll discuss how to keep this type of household peaceful.
Arguably, divorce affects children more than adults in every way. Adults make the decision to divorce, not the kids. Adults then decide who gets what and when the children see each parent. The adults decide where they want to live and then when they want to begin dating again. The adults then decide when they want to remarry, sometimes without properly considering the opinions and needs of their children. Divorce changes every single aspect of a child’s life, from where they spend their weekends to their summer activities and bedrooms. Adding a new parental figure and other children into the mix can cause even stronger confusion and fear to creep in, which can lead to tense households. Children may need therapy when their parents begin conflict or divorce. If this need is not met, and then the idea of stepfamilies is introduced into their lives, it can cause the children mental health consequences leading to behavioral issues. Family counseling is crucial during big changes such as divorce and remarriage to ensure a happy household, and it can benefit every situation. If properly managed, a stepfamily may allow a child to once again feel as if their family life is complete, and they may end up finding great friends in their step siblings and a great support figure in their stepparent they would not otherwise have had.
The role of stepparents changes from family to family as needs change. If, for example, a child lives full time with his mom and his dad is out of the picture, the stepfather may overtime take on the role of father to fill those shoes for the child if all are comfortable with the situation. It is important to consider the child’s feelings first here, and if the child seems to gravitate naturally towards the stepfather in a fatherly way, sometimes they can comfortably become “dad” and “son”. If a child sees both parents equally, their stepparents may remain “bonus parents”, and may not end up with parental authority due to the child already being fulfilled in that area. However, they can still have a close and positive relationship with them even if they never end up “mom” or “dad”. It is important to transition stepparents into the family naturally, so that the children can learn to be comfortable with them, prior to forcing any sort of parental role. The children and stepparents should respect each other’s space and be kind to each other, and overtime a natural relationship will evolve between them to the level needed. Stepparents who come into the picture expecting to become parents will only cause the children to shrink away from them. Stepparents who come into the picture and want nothing to do with the children will also cause a lot of issues as they knowingly or unknowingly separate the children from their parent and cause conflict.
Outer family members also become affected by step-relations within an immediate family and it is important to account for that as well. Children’s birthday parties and graduations may come to involve both divorced parents, grandparents, their stepparents, step grandparents, step siblings, cousins, etc.- and it is important to make sure they can all get along for the child’s sake. Pitting families against each other out of spite due to bitterness will only hurt the children.
When you make the decision to get a divorce, you are also deciding that your ex-spouse can marry someone else, and as long as there is no abuse or mistreatment, you are responsible for being civil for the sake of the children you created and share. Blended families offer so many unique opportunities to children in the form of bonus family members who grow to love and support them throughout their lives. With the help of counseling and time, stepfamilies can be great households for children to grow up in, and as long as the children involved take priority and have their feelings and needs well-considered, parents can find their romantic happiness and benefit their children at the same time.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://thenextfamily.com/2016/04/why-blended-families-are-great/
https://www.apa.org/topics/stepfamily
https://www.secureteen.com/blended-family/advantages-of-living-in-a-blended-family/