Eating Disorders

TW: ED

Author Anonymous

Used by Permission

There are several different eating disorders: Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge-Eating, Overeating, Emotional Eating, and others. However, when I was a teenager, I knew very little about them. I didn’t even know I had one…

Anorexia seems to usually relate to people who have body image issues. They believe they are overweight or fat. Even if they are at a healthy weight, to them the mirror may reflect a heavier body. Thus, restricting foods, fats, and calories can begin.

But this was not my problem. I did not have a problem with how my body looked. I didn’t have an unhealthy relationship with food. I didn’t count calories. All I knew was that when I was extremely stressed, I would lose my appetite. During situations in my life that were extremely stressful, I would go long periods of time without eating, or eating very little. I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t deliberately choose not to eat. It had nothing to do with how I looked.

Many people who have eating disorders are often overachieving perfectionists. As a teenager, I made straight As, competed in top music and dance competitions, and I excelled. I liked the reputation I’d earned and seeing my parents be proud. I loved it…or, so I thought. I didn’t realize that I was cracking. I couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t maintain being on top, but I didn’t consciously recognize this. I didn’t know I should, or could, stop it. This is when anorexia began for me.

Intense stress levels triggered me to lose my appetite. I simply wasn’t hungry. And if I got to the point of being hungry, it was a welcome distraction. I would barely eat enough to survive. However, over time I became unhealthy because of it. I lost too much weight. I lost my strength and energy. I slowly began backing out of all my commitments. I was physically unable to keep up. I couldn’t dance. I couldn’t even play the piano. I eventually was unable to attend school. I was wasting away.

I was diagnosed as having anorexia, but I didn’t have body image issues. I didn’t fit that mold. I wasn’t avoiding food to change the way I looked. Apparently, most people with anorexia are very food conscious. They count calories and frequently weigh themselves. There are all kinds of tricks and methods to lose more and more weight. I didn’t do these things. My parents were very observant, and I was seen by several doctors and psychologists. I had counseling and medications. I was even hospitalized. I was put on strict food plans. Making me eat and making me gain weight may have kept me from dying but it didn’t cure my eating disorder. 

It took months, even years, for me to understand what happened. Not eating was a coping method. Because for me, I was addicted to hunger. If I was hungry, I didn’t necessarily feel all the other negative emotions going on. I began to thrive and appreciate hunger pains. I wanted them. Hunger was a distraction. If my stomach was growling and I was feeling physically weak, that took precedence over emotions such as worry, fear, sadness, and hopelessness. Hunger was my escape. But when I was put on strict food plans and forced to eat, I resisted. I eventually became afraid to eat.

This was because in addition to being addicted to hunger, I was afraid to be healthy. Subconsciously, I believed that if I was healthy, I would be expected to go back to being the overachieving, multi-talented, competitive, success that I was known to be.

I couldn’t do it. I would rather have starved to death.  Literally. 

I did not heal from anorexia until I changed my entire life. I stopped all extracurricular activities. I re-enrolled in school, without honors classes. I kept a very easy schedule full of fun, rest, counseling, and self-care. If I was tempted to engage in something competitive or challenging, I relied on family and friends to stop me. I needed to be reminded to say no. I needed to be convinced that nobody was expecting me to excel. I needed permission to not participate in an activity. I had to be reminded that I was loved, accepted, and worthy of praise, regardless of performance.

As I grew and matured, I began to live life a bit more fully. I was careful not to overcommit, and I tried to participate in activities that were not competitive. It was still an instinct to not eat when I became stressed, but like any addict, I refused to engage in that behavior. I forced myself to eat, even when triggered. I no longer craved hunger. I recognized it as a need to feed myself and so I complied.

I only share my story in case others recognize their own struggle. I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder. It was merely an unhealthy coping method. However, once I acknowledged this, it no longer had a hold over me. With the right tools, thinking, and support, I became healthy again.